Both sides now

Funny thing, life is. To me, it sometimes seems to be full of coincidences and chance. Like how I fell into music, found my various jobs, met my husband, met most of my friends, even went to France with my friend Davor. I was going to write today about New Year's resolutions (my one is to learn more - about myself, about my friends and family, about the world, about music. This is very ironic and you'll soon read why) and how I became a vegetarian on New Year's Day, 2004 (I'll tell you about that in a later post. A bit of an embarrassing story, but one that has to be told).

But that all seems so blase, so trite, pure dribble now. Now, after what I found out today. A discovery that has shattered me to the very core. I found out, quite by accident, that my husband is either looking for someone else or has already found her.

See, I went to his computer to see when the film "Australia" is playing as we would like to go and see it. Preferably a late session, when the kiddies are sleeping and it's easy for gramps to look after them. So I turn on the computer, type in his password, turn the internet on and start typing "cinestar". Only I make a mistake and typed instead "sinestar". It then scrolls down a list of other sites beginning with "s", one of which is a site where people can look for other people (smokva.com). And I'm not talking about people you can have deep and meaningful discussions with. I'm talking about people you can get it on and get off with.

I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I know I'm still shaking from the realisation. Shocked? Surprised? Perhaps a bit but I felt it in my bones, knew deep inside it was going on. Saddened? Heart broken? Yes, because hate as I do to admit it, I love the man, faults and all. Betrayed? Deceived? Without a doubt. I feel as though I haven't only been betrayed by the man who is my husband but more than that, by the man who is my best friend. I wish he could have talked with me about his needs and my inadequacies.

But what I feel most of all is more curtainless and exposed than ever. Only the character that Emma Thompson plays in "Love Actually" can understand what I'm going through at the moment. Ironic, again, that my "discovery" also took place during Christmas/the New Year...is there something about the silly season that makes married men turn silly too? I really can't say...ironic too that Emma Thompson's character had been married 13 years too, as have we...lucky 13, eh?

ROWS and ***Flows*** of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I've looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I've looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It's cloud illusions I recall
I really don't know clouds at all

Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I've looked at love that way

But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away

I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It's love's illusions I recall
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say "I love you" right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I've looked at life that way

Oh but now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they tell me that I've changed
Well something's lost but something's gained
In living every day

I've looked at life from both sides now
From WIN and LOSE and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all

I've looked at life from both sides now
From up and down and still somehow
It's life's illusions I recall
I really don't know life at all