On my own

"On my own" is a song I rediscovered quite recently, a couple of months ago, after not having heard it for over 20 years. It's from the musical "Les Miserables" which I went to see with my music class during our last year of high school in 1988. It holds a special place in my heart where I keep cherished memories. See, I had the most wonderful music teacher during my last two years of high school, Miss Cuneen. Ms. Cuneen was one of those rare teachers who could inspire you, encourage you, make you believe in yourself. Unlike other teachers, she wasn't interested only in our grades, she was interested in us.

Besides taking us to "Les Miserables", she also regularly took us to an opera, a concert and once, as an extra special treat, for a bike ride and picnic in Sydney's Centennial Park. She was not only a teacher, she was also a friend. It was actually Ms. Cuneen who encouraged me to study music. Not because I was any good at it, just because she made me love it even more than I had to that point, if that were possible.

So it was nice rediscovering "Les Miserables" and "On my own". I've been practising it incessantly ever since and think I have it more or less nailed. It's not that difficult a song to sing technically - it's in the mid-range between the A below Middle C up to the C above it - but is emotionally. It actually drains me and when I finish it, I have to sit down to get myself together again. Because I sing it with a lot of emotion, perhaps too much, but I never like doing things by half.

I guess I sing it with emotion because I understand it. I've lived most of my life more or less alone. Even though I have a wonderful brother who is 16 years my senior, circumstances out of our control dictated that he grow up in Croatia and I in Australia. So I was more or less brought up as an only child. I had few friends compared to many at school but I cherished them. There was my cousin Tony, my godsisters Kathy, Anna and Helen, Susie, Nita, Vicki and Voula who lived across the road, Mary and Anka from school, but that's about it.

And the times I didn't spend with my friends I spent by myself. Day dreaming under the huge tree we had in our backyard, swinging as high as possible on my swing pretending I was flying over the rainbow, listening to and singing along with records on my parents' gramophone (I think I've already told you Abba was a particular favourite!), exploring the vegetable patch my parents had, feeding the chickens and collecting their eggs, playing with my pet dog, chasing my numerous pet mice who strangely enough, multiplied at a staggering rate...

I now again feel very much on my own. I've been avoiding hubby like the plague. I did confront him about it, today in fact. He said it was just curiosity that made him "go there" (you were right Davor and Ross!), apparently after a fight we had, that he didn't contact anyone, that he didn't post a profile or whatnot, just wanted to see what was out there. Doesn't seem to make this ache in my heart any better though. Funnily enough, my leg has started to hurt terribly again too. The physical and metaphysical always seem to be intertwined, don't they...

Well, there is one thing that is in my favour - "the trees are full of starlight" after having been buried in grey cloud for what seems like eons...perhaps the grey clouds of my heart will lift, too...here's hoping...

And now I'm all alone again
Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.
Without a home, without a friend
without a face to say hello to
But now the night is near
And I can make-believe he's here

Sometimes I walk alone at night
When everybody else is sleeping
I think of him and then I'm happy
With the company I'm keeping
The city goes to bed
And I can live inside my head

On my own
Pretending he's beside me
All alone
I walk with him 'til morning
Without him, I feel his arms around me
And when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me

In the rain
The pavement shines like silver
All the lights are misty in the river
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight
And all I see is him and me forever and forever

And I know it's only in my mind
That I'm talking to myself and not to him
And although I know that he is blind
Still I say there's a way for us

I love him
But when the night is over
He is gone
The river's just a river
Without him, the world around me changes
The trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers

I love him
But every day I'm learning
All my life I've only been pretending
Without me, his world will go on turning
The world is full of happiness that I have never known

I love him
I love him
I love him...
But only on my own...
(sniffle)